What is the Ick?
A definition not webster dictionary approved
There is a sign written on my forehead in big bold Times New Roman that reads ‘Indecisive’.
Never once in my life have I stuck around for a decision that led me down a path that did not bring me happiness. Never once have I hesitated to end a relationship where I didn’t feel that I, as a human being, was thriving.
An individual’s environment and what they let into it is important. It defines you; as much as we would like to believe it is more nature than nurture, nurture has an exponentially bigger impact.
As I am about to make one complete revolution around the sun with my current partner, I cannot help but reflect on how I felt when I first met them, versus how I feel now, and how those feelings impacted my actions with them and others around me.
When some of us first fall into love, it is a skydiving, free fall with no parachute or end in sight. I jumped out of that plane head first.
I spent all of my time with them, I was completely and utterly infatuated. Until one day I hit the ground– hard. It started with what some might call an “ick”. An ick –a noun– is a feeling of disgust and utter confusion [on why the disgust is there] from witnessing someone whom you hold at a high standard do something remotely normal, but it brings a weird disgust-type feeling out of you anyway with no further explanations as to why.
My ick came from my partner’s over-communication. Whenever we were not physically together, I would get endless messages of everything they were doing at practically every second of the day, and I truly hated it, que that disgust feeling. Though I did jokingly try to make them aware that I did not need to know every time they went to use the restroom throughout the day, the over-communication has nonetheless persisted until this point in our relationship.
Suddenly this perfect person I revolved my then current life around was not so perfect anymore. We can’t always win, and I am sure there are things they wish they could change about me too.
Am I willing to sacrifice this relationship for all of the ick-moments that I have experienced? And does it make me the bad guy to want to contemplate the existence of this relationship to begin with based on the feelings the person brings out of me?
How many icks about a person can you endure before you decide that this is not a person for you? And what is the difference between those of us who simply accept these feelings their partner arises from them and those of us still on the search for someone perfect?
I have more questions than answers, but I am afraid of when the indecisiveness rooted in me will eventually creep into the decisions I make about the relationships I choose to keep.
My last question would have to be if my indecisiveness, and simultaneously the ick, are products of my constant search for a stable version of my idea of happiness?
